There are so many points I want to touch on. They are bouncing around my head wildly like a drunken monkey that has just escaped from the zoo. Where do I begin?
I told you about the repair plan that my babes and I put in place. So far things are going well and I can feel my closeness and affection returning with each passing day. The gaps between intimacy are closing and the quality is increasing back to the necessary level. I understand that the frequency and level of sex should not be a deal breaker for a normal true love relationship. However, for me (at least right now) it is. I am extremely grateful that he is willing to work with me through all of this.
As I write this I am feeling relief and satisfaction. We accomplished both foreplay and sex twice today. It was unplanned and out of sheer desire. I did not feel like he was guilted into it or like I forced it upon him. For the first time in a long time it felt natural. After we are finished I often make the statement “I cannot believe more people are not addicted to this”. I do my best to share what it is that I am feeling during after-sex conversations with my guy. I do this so he can better understand what I am up against when trying to overcome my constant need. This time he recommended I put it in writing so that all who are taking this trip with me can also understand.
While I am still on my “high” I am going to attempt to describe what it is that I continuously crave.
In the Act Highs
The simple act of having sex brings me a separate rush than post-orgasm. I by no means have to be in love to achieve it – hell I don’t even have to know their name. However, it is more intense when accompanied by love. I seek out the feeling of primal instinct taking over and I feed off of it. When sexual acts progress naturally and all inhibitions are lost. Your mind is clear of thought, the only audible sounds are breathing and heartbeats, the world around you blurs leaving only your partner. Your sense of touch is heightened and a natural show of aggression is equally displayed.
I felt this tonight during our last sex session. I was completely lost in him. All I could feel was how hard he was thrusting his dick inside of me. It hurts but in the best possible way. I feel my fingers grip. I just want more and harder. My blood feels hot and I can feel it flowing just beneath the surface of my skin. Adrenaline kicks in and you do not think about strength or pain. All I can see are his eyes in line with mine, dilated and pouring out passion. I focus and realize my hands are squeezed around his neck and my fingertips pressed into his skin. I panicked and snapped out of it not because this was new for me but because it was new for us. We have stayed out of the aggressive arena in our sexual adventures and I have always been cautious to remain more gentle with him. However, I have to admit that it did feel good to bring that side of me out to play if only for a few moments.
This type of in the act rush is the one that will send me into a spiral. It is my biggest weakness and the one that I have the hardest time avoiding. Once I hit the point where all I want is more and harder, it becomes difficult to satisfy. I go to great lengths to achieve a rush that will leave me satisfied but the target always seems to get higher and higher. There has been blood, bruises, and fractures but it still excites me to feel and display the aggression. When it’s not the aggression, its the abnormal that gives me a rush. Multiple partners, exhibitionism, chains/whips, collars/leashes, electricity, spitting, pissing, derogatory names, bondage, and dominance/submission (to name a few). All of the above are areas that I have yet to display with my current partner. They are the areas that I have held back. They are not hidden by any means – I have discussed them openly. We have just yet to reach that level together.
Now that I have gone on a rant about those highs, let me try to describe the highs I feel after the fact.
The post-orgasm highs are the same chemical highs that most people feel. Unfortunately, I am not able to go more than a few days without them before my whole world feels like it is crumbling beneath me. After I orgasm, all the muscles in my body tense, I feel weightless, my breathing is shallow, my blood is hot, and my vision is unfocused. I can physically feel the blood in my body surge from head to toe. There is an explosion in the soles of my feet as it continues to pulse. Then of course there is the euphoria! That glorious feeling that I have yet to achieve by any other method. When all is right with the world and I am at complete peace. This is also when I feel most connected and in love. Oh how quickly euphoria fades and how hard I chase it.
These feelings have led me down many of rabbit holes and taken me on fun adventures. However, it is the intensity of the feelings that I feel with my babes that has kept me where I am at and inspired me to control and refine them.