I am going to make a conscious effort to write more. Even though I may think the things I am thinking/feeling/experiencing are not significant, I know that sharing them will help form the bigger picture of my journey.
Main observation and frustration:
The fun, desire, and frequency of intimacy within my relationship continues to fade. My “day 3” threshold has now become a weekly given. I have gotten better about not vocalizing my frustration. However, it is still showing in other ways. I can express my concern and displeasure until I am blue in the face – it makes no difference.
Part of me believes that he is reducing these things on purpose in an effort to acclimate me. It is doing the opposite. Previously my thoughts had no room to wander. They have nothing but room now. When he is aware of my thoughts wandering, he takes offense and believes they should be wandering to him. However, why would my mental adventures of desire and fulfillment be directed to someone who withholds it physically?
I have previously tracked activity in my planners (for curiosity purposes). I have thought about doing this again. This time for the purpose of having a visual when I try to communicate my concern and he tries to make me feel like I am upset without justification. Honestly, I have not done this because I am afraid to have the picture of scarcity stare me in the face.
This is a repeated concern on my journey. At this time, I have exhausted all options to rectify it and I am out of ideas. I am letting it run its course and cause what it may cause because that is all I can do.
I can predict this with certain accuracy. Day 3 without sexual interaction – How do I feel?
I am aware these are all negative feelings and unhealthy for my emotional wellbeing. These are the things I am learning how to control.
There is no individual fault for these 3 days. Unfortunately, the parent/personal life balance is not flowing smoothly this week. Previously, when I was cohabitating I was able to balance with ease. I sit here wondering why not now. Is it the difference in person or difference in actions? Maybe it is a little bit of both.
My babes understands addiction and the underlying feelings that they all carry in some form. However, the difference between sex addiction and substance addictions is that sexuality is an inseparable portion of a person’s identity. Sexual behavior creates physiological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual responses within our bodies. People use sexuality to affirm their sense of identity, self-worth, and desirability.
The option is not there for me (or any other in this situation) to abstain indefinitely. It is not like walking away from a drink, needle, line, etc. and never looking back. I am forced to fight my addition day after day while still partaking in some form of it. My addiction does not afford me the option to avoid it. I not only have to work on the physical actions but also the actions playing repeatedly in my head.
This is engrained in me in more ways than I can ever explain to him, which is why I feel those strong emotions above. That is why this affects me in such a massive way. Most do not succeed in allowing their feelings for a partner override this…BUT I HAVE! That is not good enough apparently. I am supposed to keep that up, continue fighting back my feeling, AND make sure to show him softness/loving compassion? Jesus I am not super woman! I can only do so much – put too much pressure on me and I will not make it!