Repeat Observation

I am going to make a conscious effort to write more. Even though I may think the things I am thinking/feeling/experiencing are not significant, I know that sharing them will help form the bigger picture of my journey.

Main observation and frustration:

The fun, desire, and frequency of intimacy within my relationship continues to fade. My “day 3” threshold has now become a weekly given. I have gotten better about not vocalizing my frustration. However, it is still showing in other ways. I can express my concern and displeasure until I am blue in the face – it makes no difference.

Part of me believes that he is reducing these things on purpose in an effort to acclimate me. It is doing the opposite. Previously my thoughts had no room to wander. They have nothing but room now. When he is aware of my thoughts wandering, he takes offense and believes they should be wandering to him. However, why would my mental adventures of desire and fulfillment be directed to someone who withholds it physically?

I have previously tracked activity in my planners (for curiosity purposes). I have thought about doing this again. This time for the purpose of having a visual when I try to communicate my concern and he tries to make me feel like I am upset without justification. Honestly, I have not done this because I am afraid to have the picture of scarcity stare me in the face.

This is a repeated concern on my journey. At this time, I have exhausted all options to rectify it and I am out of ideas. I am letting it run its course and cause what it may cause because that is all I can do.

What Am I Fighting For?

I began this journey with the backing and support of a partner whom I loved and believed to be worthy of sharing a life with.  More worthy than any other partner I had shared time with.  This evening, as I lay on the couch knowing that partnership is coming to a close I also reflect on this journey.

My heart is breaking into pieces.  Quite honestly I had forgotten what this felt like.  The excruciating sting that steals your breath.  The heat of your blood as it is saturated with rage and betrayal.

All I want is to ease these pains.  I want to feel the comforting warmth of arms wrapped around me letting me know that everything will be ok.  Then I think of my anchor in this journey.  Knowing that no longer exists, I also know that reverting back to unlimited physical pleasure blocks any pain that may be taking up residence inside my body.

I love who I am and what I do.  It is the pain of one person that I loved immensely that I was trying to spare.  He sure as hell spared me no pain – nor did he even recognize the effort required on my part to remain devoted to him.

Hmmm will this blog be shifting journeys?  We shall see my friends – we shall see..

I Miss It

I miss the excitement, variety, anticipation, and taboo rush of spontaneously engaging with a partner of my choosing. A different partner, on any given day or night, to quell the need I may have at that moment.

I long for this at different times and intensities. It is hitting me now as my life is becoming more settled and structured. The word routine scares me but essentially that is what is occurring. The process of intertwining my life with my boyfriend’s is taking place. As this process matures, routines and habits naturally form. With the formation of routines and habits comes diminishing of desire, spontaneity, excitement, and anticipation (all feelings I treasure deeply). I acknowledge this is the normal progression of a serious relationship. However, in my experience, this also begets a false sense of security and comfort that leads to one or both displaying a lack of effort. You begin going through the motions and the connection you once shared dwindles.

I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend but just like every couple, we did not start out that way. There was originally only lust and desire mixed with excitement and playfulness. I miss it more than I could possibly explain. As our love formed, it softened both of us.

I look at it much like when a child gets a brand new teddy bear… Joy radiates from their eyes and a smile continuously graces their face. The child is excited and takes teddy everywhere. They cling to it tightly every night. Then without a notice, teddy becomes worn-in and soft. The child still clings to it at night but more out of routine than excitement. They no longer want the teddy as they used to. After a while, the child no longer takes teddy places. Eventually teddy becomes neglected and replaced by a toy that once again brings joy and excitement.

Day 3

I can predict this with certain accuracy. Day 3 without sexual interaction – How do I feel?

  • Anxious
  • Frustrated/Irritated
  • Distracted
  • Isolated
  • Insecure

I am aware these are all negative feelings and unhealthy for my emotional wellbeing. These are the things I am learning how to control.

There is no individual fault for these 3 days. Unfortunately, the parent/personal life balance is not flowing smoothly this week. Previously, when I was cohabitating I was able to balance with ease. I sit here wondering why not now. Is it the difference in person or difference in actions? Maybe it is a little bit of both.

My babes understands addiction and the underlying feelings that they all carry in some form. However, the difference between sex addiction and substance addictions is that sexuality is an inseparable portion of a person’s identity. Sexual behavior creates physiological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual responses within our bodies. People use sexuality to affirm their sense of identity, self-worth, and desirability.

The option is not there for me (or any other in this situation) to abstain indefinitely. It is not like walking away from a drink, needle, line, etc. and never looking back. I am forced to fight my addition day after day while still partaking in some form of it. My addiction does not afford me the option to avoid it. I not only have to work on the physical actions but also the actions playing repeatedly in my head.

This is engrained in me in more ways than I can ever explain to him, which is why I feel those strong emotions above. That is why this affects me in such a massive way. Most do not succeed in allowing their feelings for a partner override this…BUT I HAVE! That is not good enough apparently. I am supposed to keep that up, continue fighting back my feeling, AND make sure to show him softness/loving compassion? Jesus I am not super woman! I can only do so much – put too much pressure on me and I will not make it!