How Do People Learn?

The BF and I were chatting on the drive home yesterday and he asked me about my top three extreme sexual acts. Extreme is such a relative word. I did not know if he meant it in terms of roughness, dirtiness, or kinkiness. I did not really have an answer for him right then – nor do I now really. Everything is sort of lumped into one category for me. They all provide elevated excitement. I also have a difficult time viewing anything I do as extreme anymore. It all seems normal to me and I forget that not everyone shares my view.

We then got into a high-level conversation about my experience and what other partners brought (or did not bring) to the table. He has some negative views that I wish I could change his perception on. He believes that he has nothing he can teach me – he is the one learning. Obviously, I was not born with the knowledge I have, I gained it over time and with experience.

That sparked my own thoughts. I began thinking to myself, trying to recall my own stages of progression. How did I learn? I began reflecting on various actions and tried to remember how it was that I learned I liked it. How do others learn? Do others most often learn by chance or seek out an “instructor”?

Knowing what I came up with in my thoughts is just another road in the background that leads us to how I got where I am…

Exhibitionism – I learned this at the age of 14 and my very first sexual experience. I was back in town visiting family and friends. I was in a long-distance relationship at the time and had not seen my BF in months. My grandma and his mother agreed to let him stay the night as long as I had another girlfriend stay the night too. All three of us slept in the living room. If I was ever going to get the opportunity to have sex with him that was going to be it. I initiated it. However, there was nowhere else to make it happen so it would have to be right there in front of my friend. When we were done my friend immediately got up to go to the restroom. I did not feel bad or embarrassed. I giggled, cuddled next to my BF, and went to sleep.

Again, around the age of 15, I was at a party with a guy I liked. We went into the other room to have some privacy. In the middle of having sex, his best friend walked in to offer him some of the joint they were passing around. We stopped for a minute to participate then went right back to it. His friend still stood there. I was not embarrassed or ashamed. I realized I was slightly excited.

Pictures/Videos – I learned this also around the age of 15. I was hanging out at a friend’s house with a few people. We were all listening to music and dancing in the living room. My guy friend told me he had something he wanted to show me. We went down into the basement and there were bags of women’s clothing. Lingerie, skimpy summer attire, swimsuits, and dancer gear. The clothes were so fun looking, I wanted to try them on. He told me it was no problem. I grabbed a couple outfits and went into one of the other rooms. Of course, I came out to model them. He told me to hold on and ran upstairs to grab a camera. For the next few hours, we had a “photo session”. I loved it. I felt sexy, alive, and playful.

Girls – I was 15 when I kissed my first girl. I was moving back home from California and I was spending the day with my best friend saying goodbye. We spent the day shopping and playing by the beach. Before it was time for us to part ways, we decided to get photo booth pictures to remember each other by. The first four pictures snapped while we made silly faces and laughed. We planned the second set to be better for display. After the second picture, she said we should have one of each of us giving the other a kiss. The next two pictures snapped and we both learned that other girls turn us on.

AnalI learned this when I was 16 or 17. I had been with my BF for two years. Our sexual activity was becoming repetitive. I still had an enormous amount of desire for him but I was getting bored, as was he. We began to incorporate porn with our activities. We would discover different positions and activities to try. My love for anal AND porn was born.

Porn See above

Golden Showers – I learned this when I was 30. This is the second to newest sexual activity added to my experiences. I have adamantly rejected this for as long as I can remember. There is a vulnerability that I refused to provide to just anyone. Finally, on my honeymoon, I felt comfortable enough to agree. Since then, I have remained extremely selective when it comes to participants. Note that I am only on a receiving end of this. I do not ever foresee a time that the role would be reversed. In addition, I have an extremely shy bladder!

Fisting I learned this when I was 27. A guy I was hanging out with at the time had an extreme fetish for this. I had nothing against it. I knew about it but I had never been in a situation to try it out. In reality, I did not think there was any way things would physically fit together. During one of our “shower time confessionals” (more on this another time) it was brought up as an extremely strong desire – almost need. The first time was extremely uncomfortable due to the enlarged size of everything on his body including his hands. However, I will typically give things a couple tries to ensure that it really is a dislike. With some minor adjustments it quickly became a favorite of mine.

I am out of writing time for now. The above list is just a sample of the thoughts from yesterday. I will include more as I have time in the future. Please feel free to share any thoughts/comments.

Till next time ~ D

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His Introduction

I have to give credit where credit is due.  My guy has kept up with he end of the deal.  He is trying so hard to gain a better understanding of me sexually.

As I briefly mentioned before, we are on two different playing fields when it comes to sex.  We have grown in progressive stages over the last two-years.  I get a thrill from the more aggressive style of sex.  I want to be bound and tied.  I want to be smacked, choked, and rough.  I can cross between submissive and dominant roles but I am most comfortable in a submissive role.  I prefer a man who is sexually assertive and adventurous.

I have always known that my guy had it in him.  However, like a lot of men, he has been conditioned by previous partners through his life to believe that his interests and fantasies are disgusting and abnormal.  It has been a challenge to overcome that mindset (a fun challenge) but over the last couple years we have dabbled in choking, smacking, rough grips.  Our use of toys and props has remained limited.

As part of our repair plan he gave me the green light to expose more of my sexual self and interests.  I agreed that I had the ability to give us the nudge we needed.  Over the last week he has surprised me by taking his own initiative.  He has began to learn about BDSM and the many variations of.  The other day while we were on break he asked me what it was about these things that gave me pleasure.  It was a genuine effort to understand what it was that turned me on and what he could do to achieve those results.  To tell you the truth I could not believe it.  I was wet just talking to him about it

I felt a restored desire and confidence that I have been lacking for a long time now.  I felt a familiar sexual power filling my body – almost like the meter of a charging battery.  I was super charged.  I felt like me (the old me) for the first time in the last year and a half!  I knew that he was willing to learn with me but I still had to take the introduction slow.  He worries that he will not meet my expectations and/or will not know what to do.  I have assured him that I will guide us with delicacy and asked him to have faith in how well I know him and us.

I have no words to explain how good I was feeling and how much sexier he appeared to me.  I could not wait to feel his body against mine.  I could not wait to have his dick.  I got back to my desk feeling horny to a point that my pussy was throbbing and hurting. Thinking about how long I was going to have to wait before I could feel him was killing me.  Not only did I have another two hours at work but then I had an hour drive home followed by 3 hours at basketball games.  There was no way in hell I was going to make it that long.

Work was quiet and everyone around me was gone, with the exception of my babes 10 feet away at his desk.  I only had to think for a few seconds – yes, I was doing this.  I scooted my chair as close to my desk as comfortably possible.  My right hand was already resting on my lap so it was easy to side it into my pants.  Thank goodness I was wearing stretchable pants!  I reclined in my chair and let the thoughts of him dance through my head.  I did not make a sound, which was extremely hard when I came.  It felt amazing.  I giggled a few times then sent him a text to let him know what he did to me.  I wanted more but now I could wait.

The rest of the day and evening took forever.  Once we were settled in for the evening he told me that he wanted me to lay on the couch with my shirt off so he could just kiss me and play with me.  I was soaked all over again and feeling that rush of desire.  As I laid on the couch with my shirt off he proceeded to kiss me and place my tits in his mouth.  However, he did not proceed with his normal methods.  He seeked information about what felt best and how hard to bite or grab.  We had an informative play session that did NOT feel instructional.  Everything still flowed smooth and felt lustful.  As he played, I again found my hand down my pants.  I could not believe how swollen and excited I was.  I did not want him to stop kissing and playing but he had to feel what I was feeling.  I could not last any longer feeling his hands and mouth on me – I exploded!  I felt so connected with him.  I could not be close enough.  If I could have crawled inside him it still would not have been close enough.  The desire and closeness was back but intensified to an astronomical level.  I guess all I really needed was to feel him try to understand me and to be set free from confinement.

After I got off he did not stop kissing me.  His body was pressed on mine and his kissing was filled with lust.  They were rapid and hard moving across my body.  I could feel it building in me again.  Before I knew what was happening I came again.  What?  Did that just happen?  Did I really just come from kissing alone?

That has only happened one time in my life almost 13 years ago.  For 13 years that orgasm has remained in the #1 spot of best orgasms.  I have been seeking it since but have never found a sexual connection strong enough – UNTIL NOW.  I cannot believe it, that type of orgasm has been my elusive unicorn.  I have captured my unicorn.

After a little smoke break it was time for me to initiate guidance into the doors of my sexual realm.  I wanted his dick down my throat but I also wanted to put him in control of a leash that was attached to a choker collar around my neck.  I was nervous about approaching him with it because he has never seen those parts of me.  What if it changed everything and the way he viewed me?  He already knew about all of it but knowing and seeing are two very different things.  I could not just spring it on him because it would throw him off and I promised I would be delicate.

I faced him and told him that I wanted his dick down my throat and I wanted to introduce him to the feeling of power.  I explained that I wanted to place the choker collar around my neck and have him pull on the leash while his dick was in my mouth.  I wanted him to be in control of how far my head went down on his dick and how hard.  This was the turning point – he could possibly say no.  See he has a very strong, but understandable, aversion to using any toy or prop that another man has been involved with.  I have no issues with that but all of the props and toys I own used for rougher sex are from a time before him.  We do not have our own yet because we have not been prepared to venture down that path.

I requested that this be a one time favor and that he allow me to use a collar that I already had.  This would be the last time that it was used and if he was comfortable after the fact then we could get our own.  To be honest, I wanted it so bad that if he said no I would have went that very instant to get a new one.

He agreed.  I pulled him onto me while we were still laying on the couch.  I just wanted to kiss him and rub him to put his mind at ease and reassure him that everything will be done together.  I went into the bedroom and grabbed the collar and leash out of the toy box.  I held up the collar to show him where the connecting rings should be positioned depending on our position and the effect he was trying to achieve (rings to the back of the neck if I’m below the position of his hands & rings in the front of the neck if I’m above the position of his hands).  I stood face to face with him and slid the collar over my head.  His first pull was exhilarating for me.  It was something that I have waited for a long time.  He was a little shaky as he figured out how to maneuver it and tighten it but once he got the hang of it he was a natural.  He ordered me to my knees as he stood and pulled his dick out in front of my face.  I will never forget my first look up at him with the chain tightened around my neck and face red from lack of air – his eyes widened and pupils dilated.  His mouth slightly opened and the chain tightened.  I cannot tell you if his reaction was intentional or unintentional but I can tell you it sent chills down my spine.  It was amazing!

His dominant side peeked through for a little bit and he let it roam freely.  He did not shy away from making demands, pulling the chain tight, or smacking me across the face.  With the chain blocking the last bit of oxygen and blood flow he asked me which would happen first would I pass out or stop sucking dick.  He should know better, I am not going to stop sucking on him!  While I’m laid out on the bed he declares that it is time to put the chain up.  Disappointment set in but just as quickly faded when I realized that he was stopping because of the marks on my neck.  It would be hard to explain away the dark bruises when we went into work on Monday.  After taking it off, I went back to giving his dick some attention.  He needed a picture of the sexy marks on my neck and his dick in my mouth.  Beautiful!

Chain

The experience was amazing.  The bond I feel with him now is a million times stronger than it ever was.  Same for the love and desire.  It’s amazing how something so small can hold such big results. Even though I feel like the flood gates have been opened, and I am anxious to do so much more, I know that I must be patient and respectful to the one I love.  I am free from my restraints but I must leisurely walk with him hand in hand down this path.

I could not have asked for a better introduction.  I felt like I got the opportunity to introduce him to a world I love so much along with the opportunity to reintroduce myself to the old me and all the glorious things that I missed about her.  Welcome back sweetie – don’t be a stranger…

The Rush

There are so many points I want to touch on.  They are bouncing around my head wildly like a drunken monkey that has just escaped from the zoo.  Where do I begin?

I told you about the repair plan that my babes and I put in place.  So far things are going well and I can feel my closeness and affection returning with each passing day.  The gaps between intimacy are closing and the quality is increasing back to the necessary level.  I understand that the frequency and level of sex should not be a deal breaker for a normal true love relationship.  However, for me (at least right now) it is.  I am extremely grateful that he is willing to work with me through all of this.

As I write this I am feeling relief and satisfaction.  We accomplished both foreplay and sex twice today.  It was unplanned and out of sheer desire.  I did not feel like he was guilted into it or like I forced it upon him.  For the first time in a long time it felt natural.  After we are finished I often make the statement “I cannot believe more people are not addicted to this”.  I do my best to share what it is that I am feeling during after-sex conversations with my guy.  I do this so he can better understand what I am up against when trying to overcome my constant need.  This time he recommended I put it in writing so that all who are taking this trip with me can also understand.

While I am still on my “high” I am going to attempt to describe what it is that I continuously crave.

In the Act Highs

The simple act of having sex brings me a separate rush than post-orgasm.  I by no means have to be in love to achieve it – hell I don’t even have to know their name.  However, it is more intense when accompanied by love.  I seek out the feeling of primal instinct taking over and I feed off of it.  When sexual acts progress naturally and all inhibitions are lost.  Your mind is clear of thought, the only audible sounds are breathing and heartbeats, the world around you blurs leaving only your partner.  Your sense of touch is heightened and a natural show of aggression is equally displayed.

I felt this tonight during our last sex session.  I was completely lost in him.  All I could feel was how hard he was thrusting his dick inside of me.  It hurts but in the best possible way.  I feel my fingers grip.  I just want more and harder.  My blood feels hot and I can feel it flowing just beneath the surface of my skin.  Adrenaline kicks in and you do not think about strength or pain.  All I can see are his eyes in line with mine, dilated and pouring out passion.  I focus and realize my hands are squeezed around his neck and my fingertips pressed into his skin.  I panicked and snapped out of it not because this was new for me but because it was new for us.  We have stayed out of the aggressive arena in our sexual adventures and I have always been cautious to remain more gentle with him.  However, I have to admit that it did feel good to bring that side of me out to play if only for a few moments.

This type of in the act rush is the one that will send me into a spiral.  It is my biggest weakness and the one that I have the hardest time avoiding.  Once I hit the point where all I want is more and harder, it becomes difficult to satisfy.  I go to great lengths to achieve a rush that will leave me satisfied but the target always seems to get higher and higher.  There has been blood, bruises, and fractures but it still excites me to feel and display the aggression.  When it’s not the aggression, its the abnormal that gives me a rush.  Multiple partners, exhibitionism, chains/whips, collars/leashes, electricity, spitting, pissing, derogatory names, bondage, and dominance/submission (to name a few).  All of the above are areas that I have yet to display with my current partner.  They are the areas that I have held back.  They are not hidden by any means – I have discussed them openly.  We have just yet to reach that level together.

Now that I have gone on a rant about those highs, let me try to describe the highs I feel after the fact.

Post-orgasm Highs

The post-orgasm highs are the same chemical highs that most people feel.  Unfortunately, I am not able to go more than a few days without them before my whole world feels like it is crumbling beneath me.  After I orgasm, all the muscles in my body tense, I feel weightless, my breathing is shallow, my blood is hot, and my vision is unfocused.  I can physically feel the blood in my body surge from head to toe.  There is an explosion in the soles of my feet as it continues to pulse.  Then of course there is the euphoria!  That glorious feeling that I have yet to achieve by any other method.  When all is right with the world and I am at complete peace.  This is also when I feel most connected and in love.  Oh how quickly euphoria fades and how hard I chase it.

These feelings have led me down many of rabbit holes and taken me on fun adventures.  However, it is the intensity of the feelings that I feel with my babes that has kept me where I am at and inspired me to control and refine them.

The Broken Road

I shared a breaking point with you in my last post.  My relationship was balancing on a fraying wire.  It felt as though all hope was lost.  I had begged, pleaded, and explained the severity of my needs in every way I knew possible.  Unfortunately, nothing changed and the distance between us continued to grow.  I longed to feel comfort, attention, and desire.  My thoughts of obtaining it from outside sources became more frequent and my reasons for refraining diminished.  Earlier in our relationship I made a promise to my guy that I would never hurt or betray him.  With that promise in mind, I knew it was time for me to walk away.  He was consistently not providing what I needed and my thoughts of stepping out were becoming to overwhelming for me to ignore.  My mind was made up, with extreme devastation, I walked away.

We disagreed, argued, and cried over my decision.  I hung up on him more times than I can count.  What he was saying did not matter anymore because it was too little too late.  In my opinion, if he loved me and wanted me as much as he was claiming then he would not have chosen to sit idle while I was begging for him.  Our last conversation ended at 12:30 am the night of my last post.  I fell asleep on the couch a single woman unsure if I would stay the course on this journey or revert to a world of vices that brought me pleasure but loneliness.

At 2:00am he was standing above me waking me and asking me to lay in bed with him so that he could hold me.  I gave no resistance but my mind and my heart had shut down for the time being.  All I wanted was to stop feeling the pain surging through my body.  If you have ever experienced a failed love then you know the pain I am referring to.  How could this broken road ever be fixed?

I am at a loss for a way to explain it but in the morning and throughout that next day I felt a rejuvenated strength.  He showed devotion, compassion, and love at my weakest moment.  He stepped up to fight for me when I had no fight left.  Because of that, I was willing to spend a little more time to make us work but only if he showed the same effort.  I was done putting forth an unreturned effort!  I will admit that I still had no clue where to begin or if we would succeed.

The days since have been filled with countless in-depth conversations.  Some have been heated and some have been uncomfortable (on both sides).  They have all been productive.  We have successfully come up with game plans to increase our interactions with one another and reignite that passion and desire that we once treasured.  The closeness or bond was reestablished relatively quick.  It took dedication and consistency on both of our parts.

The intimacy has been our greatest challenge.  I do understand that it can be difficult to understand the needs of a person like me.  You cannot try to understand the intimacy needs that I have using the same mentality that you would to understand the needs of a normal person.  They are not even in the same ballpark.  I have already compromised as much as I possibly could.  He had already pushed and stretched me past my breaking point – there was no flexibility left.  In order for us to save what we had I needed him to  seriously think about whether he wanted to, or even could, provide what I was asking.

Over the last week or so we have both shared in detail what it is that we need from each other and what it is that we are willing to provide. in summary, we need a reset.  In order for him to provide me with the renewed desire and frequent intimacy that I am looking for, he wants to see more of who I am sexually (not only in my actions but also in my thoughts).  I have agreed to initiate the push we need under the understanding that I will not always be the one to initiate.

I am excited for our reset.  You see we are on different levels of sexual experience .  Over the last 2 years we have progressed in stages and taken our adventures slow as not to overwhelm or intimidate.  However, when agreeing to the reset plan we also agreed that I would express more of the things I love but held back.  I have a more positive outlook and if this works it is sure to bring our closeness and love to a whole new level.  Without the added stress of a relationship unknown I can be free to continue my journey of overcoming this addiction and building a healthier lifestyle.

Thank you for sticking by me on this trip and as always – more to come…

Repeat Observation

I am going to make a conscious effort to write more. Even though I may think the things I am thinking/feeling/experiencing are not significant, I know that sharing them will help form the bigger picture of my journey.

Main observation and frustration:

The fun, desire, and frequency of intimacy within my relationship continues to fade. My “day 3” threshold has now become a weekly given. I have gotten better about not vocalizing my frustration. However, it is still showing in other ways. I can express my concern and displeasure until I am blue in the face – it makes no difference.

Part of me believes that he is reducing these things on purpose in an effort to acclimate me. It is doing the opposite. Previously my thoughts had no room to wander. They have nothing but room now. When he is aware of my thoughts wandering, he takes offense and believes they should be wandering to him. However, why would my mental adventures of desire and fulfillment be directed to someone who withholds it physically?

I have previously tracked activity in my planners (for curiosity purposes). I have thought about doing this again. This time for the purpose of having a visual when I try to communicate my concern and he tries to make me feel like I am upset without justification. Honestly, I have not done this because I am afraid to have the picture of scarcity stare me in the face.

This is a repeated concern on my journey. At this time, I have exhausted all options to rectify it and I am out of ideas. I am letting it run its course and cause what it may cause because that is all I can do.

What Am I Fighting For?

I began this journey with the backing and support of a partner whom I loved and believed to be worthy of sharing a life with.  More worthy than any other partner I had shared time with.  This evening, as I lay on the couch knowing that partnership is coming to a close I also reflect on this journey.

My heart is breaking into pieces.  Quite honestly I had forgotten what this felt like.  The excruciating sting that steals your breath.  The heat of your blood as it is saturated with rage and betrayal.

All I want is to ease these pains.  I want to feel the comforting warmth of arms wrapped around me letting me know that everything will be ok.  Then I think of my anchor in this journey.  Knowing that no longer exists, I also know that reverting back to unlimited physical pleasure blocks any pain that may be taking up residence inside my body.

I love who I am and what I do.  It is the pain of one person that I loved immensely that I was trying to spare.  He sure as hell spared me no pain – nor did he even recognize the effort required on my part to remain devoted to him.

Hmmm will this blog be shifting journeys?  We shall see my friends – we shall see..

The Movies Are My Own

The last week was a difficult one.  Upon the lead up to what would have been a wedding anniversary, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on the dips and crevices in my life.  My babes was focused on events he had previously planned so I was on a solo mission of sifting through it all.  Through all of the thoughts, I eventually got around to the sexual vices I am working on now.

As I mentioned in a previous post – It is difficult to fight back urges when there are constantly sexual actions playing in my head.  Last week I felt solo and this week I am solo (while babes is out of town and communication is lacking).  All I have are the movies that are playing in my head.  The movies are MY movies.  Snippets of the outstanding sexual acts of my life.

Desire consumes me throughout the days.  I admit that I have not fought it.  I embraced it and allowed the movies to play over and over.  During the day, they provide that extra boost of sexiness and confidence.  I can feel it grow with each step I take and each person I pass. I feel like I cannot get enough.   In the late hours of the evening, it is almost like an out of body experience.

I sit on the couch – the lights are on and the tv is playing in the background but I am oblivious to it all.  Instead, I am focused on how my body feels.  I can feel the couch beneath my body but I feel it as if I were laying there naked.  I can feel the texture of it on my skin as if my clothes were missing.  My skin tingles and the blood flowing just under the surface is boiling hot.  A thin layer of sweat chills under the breeze of the ceiling fan.  My breathing is unconsciously labored.  Replaying what my favorite encounters felt like.

Your eyes are uncontrollably locked onto your playmate’s eyes.  You can feel your desire radiate out, following your line of sight.  You could not blink if you wanted to.  You breathe in so hard it causes your back to arch upward.  Your movements are no longer deliberate.  Your arms are reaching outward and hands gripping firmly against their skin as you drag your fingertips downward.  Your whole body slowly rocks forward then backward.  This is just the what it feels like in the moments before any activity.  I am seeing this play in my head and I am feeling it all as if I were there in that physical moment.

Sometimes it is absurd to think that I can calm this type of feeling and rob it of the glory it holds.

I Miss It

I miss the excitement, variety, anticipation, and taboo rush of spontaneously engaging with a partner of my choosing. A different partner, on any given day or night, to quell the need I may have at that moment.

I long for this at different times and intensities. It is hitting me now as my life is becoming more settled and structured. The word routine scares me but essentially that is what is occurring. The process of intertwining my life with my boyfriend’s is taking place. As this process matures, routines and habits naturally form. With the formation of routines and habits comes diminishing of desire, spontaneity, excitement, and anticipation (all feelings I treasure deeply). I acknowledge this is the normal progression of a serious relationship. However, in my experience, this also begets a false sense of security and comfort that leads to one or both displaying a lack of effort. You begin going through the motions and the connection you once shared dwindles.

I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend but just like every couple, we did not start out that way. There was originally only lust and desire mixed with excitement and playfulness. I miss it more than I could possibly explain. As our love formed, it softened both of us.

I look at it much like when a child gets a brand new teddy bear… Joy radiates from their eyes and a smile continuously graces their face. The child is excited and takes teddy everywhere. They cling to it tightly every night. Then without a notice, teddy becomes worn-in and soft. The child still clings to it at night but more out of routine than excitement. They no longer want the teddy as they used to. After a while, the child no longer takes teddy places. Eventually teddy becomes neglected and replaced by a toy that once again brings joy and excitement.

Day 3

I can predict this with certain accuracy. Day 3 without sexual interaction – How do I feel?

  • Anxious
  • Frustrated/Irritated
  • Distracted
  • Isolated
  • Insecure

I am aware these are all negative feelings and unhealthy for my emotional wellbeing. These are the things I am learning how to control.

There is no individual fault for these 3 days. Unfortunately, the parent/personal life balance is not flowing smoothly this week. Previously, when I was cohabitating I was able to balance with ease. I sit here wondering why not now. Is it the difference in person or difference in actions? Maybe it is a little bit of both.

My babes understands addiction and the underlying feelings that they all carry in some form. However, the difference between sex addiction and substance addictions is that sexuality is an inseparable portion of a person’s identity. Sexual behavior creates physiological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual responses within our bodies. People use sexuality to affirm their sense of identity, self-worth, and desirability.

The option is not there for me (or any other in this situation) to abstain indefinitely. It is not like walking away from a drink, needle, line, etc. and never looking back. I am forced to fight my addition day after day while still partaking in some form of it. My addiction does not afford me the option to avoid it. I not only have to work on the physical actions but also the actions playing repeatedly in my head.

This is engrained in me in more ways than I can ever explain to him, which is why I feel those strong emotions above. That is why this affects me in such a massive way. Most do not succeed in allowing their feelings for a partner override this…BUT I HAVE! That is not good enough apparently. I am supposed to keep that up, continue fighting back my feeling, AND make sure to show him softness/loving compassion? Jesus I am not super woman! I can only do so much – put too much pressure on me and I will not make it!