I am going to make a conscious effort to write more. Even though I may think the things I am thinking/feeling/experiencing are not significant, I know that sharing them will help form the bigger picture of my journey.
Main observation and frustration:
The fun, desire, and frequency of intimacy within my relationship continues to fade. My “day 3” threshold has now become a weekly given. I have gotten better about not vocalizing my frustration. However, it is still showing in other ways. I can express my concern and displeasure until I am blue in the face – it makes no difference.
Part of me believes that he is reducing these things on purpose in an effort to acclimate me. It is doing the opposite. Previously my thoughts had no room to wander. They have nothing but room now. When he is aware of my thoughts wandering, he takes offense and believes they should be wandering to him. However, why would my mental adventures of desire and fulfillment be directed to someone who withholds it physically?
I have previously tracked activity in my planners (for curiosity purposes). I have thought about doing this again. This time for the purpose of having a visual when I try to communicate my concern and he tries to make me feel like I am upset without justification. Honestly, I have not done this because I am afraid to have the picture of scarcity stare me in the face.
This is a repeated concern on my journey. At this time, I have exhausted all options to rectify it and I am out of ideas. I am letting it run its course and cause what it may cause because that is all I can do.