The Broken Road

I shared a breaking point with you in my last post.  My relationship was balancing on a fraying wire.  It felt as though all hope was lost.  I had begged, pleaded, and explained the severity of my needs in every way I knew possible.  Unfortunately, nothing changed and the distance between us continued to grow.  I longed to feel comfort, attention, and desire.  My thoughts of obtaining it from outside sources became more frequent and my reasons for refraining diminished.  Earlier in our relationship I made a promise to my guy that I would never hurt or betray him.  With that promise in mind, I knew it was time for me to walk away.  He was consistently not providing what I needed and my thoughts of stepping out were becoming to overwhelming for me to ignore.  My mind was made up, with extreme devastation, I walked away.

We disagreed, argued, and cried over my decision.  I hung up on him more times than I can count.  What he was saying did not matter anymore because it was too little too late.  In my opinion, if he loved me and wanted me as much as he was claiming then he would not have chosen to sit idle while I was begging for him.  Our last conversation ended at 12:30 am the night of my last post.  I fell asleep on the couch a single woman unsure if I would stay the course on this journey or revert to a world of vices that brought me pleasure but loneliness.

At 2:00am he was standing above me waking me and asking me to lay in bed with him so that he could hold me.  I gave no resistance but my mind and my heart had shut down for the time being.  All I wanted was to stop feeling the pain surging through my body.  If you have ever experienced a failed love then you know the pain I am referring to.  How could this broken road ever be fixed?

I am at a loss for a way to explain it but in the morning and throughout that next day I felt a rejuvenated strength.  He showed devotion, compassion, and love at my weakest moment.  He stepped up to fight for me when I had no fight left.  Because of that, I was willing to spend a little more time to make us work but only if he showed the same effort.  I was done putting forth an unreturned effort!  I will admit that I still had no clue where to begin or if we would succeed.

The days since have been filled with countless in-depth conversations.  Some have been heated and some have been uncomfortable (on both sides).  They have all been productive.  We have successfully come up with game plans to increase our interactions with one another and reignite that passion and desire that we once treasured.  The closeness or bond was reestablished relatively quick.  It took dedication and consistency on both of our parts.

The intimacy has been our greatest challenge.  I do understand that it can be difficult to understand the needs of a person like me.  You cannot try to understand the intimacy needs that I have using the same mentality that you would to understand the needs of a normal person.  They are not even in the same ballpark.  I have already compromised as much as I possibly could.  He had already pushed and stretched me past my breaking point – there was no flexibility left.  In order for us to save what we had I needed him to  seriously think about whether he wanted to, or even could, provide what I was asking.

Over the last week or so we have both shared in detail what it is that we need from each other and what it is that we are willing to provide. in summary, we need a reset.  In order for him to provide me with the renewed desire and frequent intimacy that I am looking for, he wants to see more of who I am sexually (not only in my actions but also in my thoughts).  I have agreed to initiate the push we need under the understanding that I will not always be the one to initiate.

I am excited for our reset.  You see we are on different levels of sexual experience .  Over the last 2 years we have progressed in stages and taken our adventures slow as not to overwhelm or intimidate.  However, when agreeing to the reset plan we also agreed that I would express more of the things I love but held back.  I have a more positive outlook and if this works it is sure to bring our closeness and love to a whole new level.  Without the added stress of a relationship unknown I can be free to continue my journey of overcoming this addiction and building a healthier lifestyle.

Thank you for sticking by me on this trip and as always – more to come…

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Repeat Observation

I am going to make a conscious effort to write more. Even though I may think the things I am thinking/feeling/experiencing are not significant, I know that sharing them will help form the bigger picture of my journey.

Main observation and frustration:

The fun, desire, and frequency of intimacy within my relationship continues to fade. My “day 3” threshold has now become a weekly given. I have gotten better about not vocalizing my frustration. However, it is still showing in other ways. I can express my concern and displeasure until I am blue in the face – it makes no difference.

Part of me believes that he is reducing these things on purpose in an effort to acclimate me. It is doing the opposite. Previously my thoughts had no room to wander. They have nothing but room now. When he is aware of my thoughts wandering, he takes offense and believes they should be wandering to him. However, why would my mental adventures of desire and fulfillment be directed to someone who withholds it physically?

I have previously tracked activity in my planners (for curiosity purposes). I have thought about doing this again. This time for the purpose of having a visual when I try to communicate my concern and he tries to make me feel like I am upset without justification. Honestly, I have not done this because I am afraid to have the picture of scarcity stare me in the face.

This is a repeated concern on my journey. At this time, I have exhausted all options to rectify it and I am out of ideas. I am letting it run its course and cause what it may cause because that is all I can do.

What Am I Fighting For?

I began this journey with the backing and support of a partner whom I loved and believed to be worthy of sharing a life with.  More worthy than any other partner I had shared time with.  This evening, as I lay on the couch knowing that partnership is coming to a close I also reflect on this journey.

My heart is breaking into pieces.  Quite honestly I had forgotten what this felt like.  The excruciating sting that steals your breath.  The heat of your blood as it is saturated with rage and betrayal.

All I want is to ease these pains.  I want to feel the comforting warmth of arms wrapped around me letting me know that everything will be ok.  Then I think of my anchor in this journey.  Knowing that no longer exists, I also know that reverting back to unlimited physical pleasure blocks any pain that may be taking up residence inside my body.

I love who I am and what I do.  It is the pain of one person that I loved immensely that I was trying to spare.  He sure as hell spared me no pain – nor did he even recognize the effort required on my part to remain devoted to him.

Hmmm will this blog be shifting journeys?  We shall see my friends – we shall see..