The last week was a difficult one. Upon the lead up to what would have been a wedding anniversary, I spent a great deal of time reflecting on the dips and crevices in my life. My babes was focused on events he had previously planned so I was on a solo mission of sifting through it all. Through all of the thoughts, I eventually got around to the sexual vices I am working on now.
As I mentioned in a previous post – It is difficult to fight back urges when there are constantly sexual actions playing in my head. Last week I felt solo and this week I am solo (while babes is out of town and communication is lacking). All I have are the movies that are playing in my head. The movies are MY movies. Snippets of the outstanding sexual acts of my life.
Desire consumes me throughout the days. I admit that I have not fought it. I embraced it and allowed the movies to play over and over. During the day, they provide that extra boost of sexiness and confidence. I can feel it grow with each step I take and each person I pass. I feel like I cannot get enough. In the late hours of the evening, it is almost like an out of body experience.
I sit on the couch – the lights are on and the tv is playing in the background but I am oblivious to it all. Instead, I am focused on how my body feels. I can feel the couch beneath my body but I feel it as if I were laying there naked. I can feel the texture of it on my skin as if my clothes were missing. My skin tingles and the blood flowing just under the surface is boiling hot. A thin layer of sweat chills under the breeze of the ceiling fan. My breathing is unconsciously labored. Replaying what my favorite encounters felt like.
Your eyes are uncontrollably locked onto your playmate’s eyes. You can feel your desire radiate out, following your line of sight. You could not blink if you wanted to. You breathe in so hard it causes your back to arch upward. Your movements are no longer deliberate. Your arms are reaching outward and hands gripping firmly against their skin as you drag your fingertips downward. Your whole body slowly rocks forward then backward. This is just the what it feels like in the moments before any activity. I am seeing this play in my head and I am feeling it all as if I were there in that physical moment.
Sometimes it is absurd to think that I can calm this type of feeling and rob it of the glory it holds.