I Miss It

I miss the excitement, variety, anticipation, and taboo rush of spontaneously engaging with a partner of my choosing. A different partner, on any given day or night, to quell the need I may have at that moment.

I long for this at different times and intensities. It is hitting me now as my life is becoming more settled and structured. The word routine scares me but essentially that is what is occurring. The process of intertwining my life with my boyfriend’s is taking place. As this process matures, routines and habits naturally form. With the formation of routines and habits comes diminishing of desire, spontaneity, excitement, and anticipation (all feelings I treasure deeply). I acknowledge this is the normal progression of a serious relationship. However, in my experience, this also begets a false sense of security and comfort that leads to one or both displaying a lack of effort. You begin going through the motions and the connection you once shared dwindles.

I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend but just like every couple, we did not start out that way. There was originally only lust and desire mixed with excitement and playfulness. I miss it more than I could possibly explain. As our love formed, it softened both of us.

I look at it much like when a child gets a brand new teddy bear… Joy radiates from their eyes and a smile continuously graces their face. The child is excited and takes teddy everywhere. They cling to it tightly every night. Then without a notice, teddy becomes worn-in and soft. The child still clings to it at night but more out of routine than excitement. They no longer want the teddy as they used to. After a while, the child no longer takes teddy places. Eventually teddy becomes neglected and replaced by a toy that once again brings joy and excitement.

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