I Miss It

I miss the excitement, variety, anticipation, and taboo rush of spontaneously engaging with a partner of my choosing. A different partner, on any given day or night, to quell the need I may have at that moment.

I long for this at different times and intensities. It is hitting me now as my life is becoming more settled and structured. The word routine scares me but essentially that is what is occurring. The process of intertwining my life with my boyfriend’s is taking place. As this process matures, routines and habits naturally form. With the formation of routines and habits comes diminishing of desire, spontaneity, excitement, and anticipation (all feelings I treasure deeply). I acknowledge this is the normal progression of a serious relationship. However, in my experience, this also begets a false sense of security and comfort that leads to one or both displaying a lack of effort. You begin going through the motions and the connection you once shared dwindles.

I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend but just like every couple, we did not start out that way. There was originally only lust and desire mixed with excitement and playfulness. I miss it more than I could possibly explain. As our love formed, it softened both of us.

I look at it much like when a child gets a brand new teddy bear… Joy radiates from their eyes and a smile continuously graces their face. The child is excited and takes teddy everywhere. They cling to it tightly every night. Then without a notice, teddy becomes worn-in and soft. The child still clings to it at night but more out of routine than excitement. They no longer want the teddy as they used to. After a while, the child no longer takes teddy places. Eventually teddy becomes neglected and replaced by a toy that once again brings joy and excitement.

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Day 3

I can predict this with certain accuracy. Day 3 without sexual interaction – How do I feel?

  • Anxious
  • Frustrated/Irritated
  • Distracted
  • Isolated
  • Insecure

I am aware these are all negative feelings and unhealthy for my emotional wellbeing. These are the things I am learning how to control.

There is no individual fault for these 3 days. Unfortunately, the parent/personal life balance is not flowing smoothly this week. Previously, when I was cohabitating I was able to balance with ease. I sit here wondering why not now. Is it the difference in person or difference in actions? Maybe it is a little bit of both.

My babes understands addiction and the underlying feelings that they all carry in some form. However, the difference between sex addiction and substance addictions is that sexuality is an inseparable portion of a person’s identity. Sexual behavior creates physiological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual responses within our bodies. People use sexuality to affirm their sense of identity, self-worth, and desirability.

The option is not there for me (or any other in this situation) to abstain indefinitely. It is not like walking away from a drink, needle, line, etc. and never looking back. I am forced to fight my addition day after day while still partaking in some form of it. My addiction does not afford me the option to avoid it. I not only have to work on the physical actions but also the actions playing repeatedly in my head.

This is engrained in me in more ways than I can ever explain to him, which is why I feel those strong emotions above. That is why this affects me in such a massive way. Most do not succeed in allowing their feelings for a partner override this…BUT I HAVE! That is not good enough apparently. I am supposed to keep that up, continue fighting back my feeling, AND make sure to show him softness/loving compassion? Jesus I am not super woman! I can only do so much – put too much pressure on me and I will not make it!

Tested

Today I was tested. My nerves are on edge due to some family situations.  I have a craving to ease them.  I have a craving to be free, fun, and energetic.  This has not hit me in a while.  It’s a first since I have started this commitment to overcome my cravings.

I have house guests so my boyfriend cannot bring himself to fuck me the way that I need it.  My nerves stretch thinner by the day.  My frustration lashes out uncontrollably.

Today I was tested.  I have a friend (who is just a friend) that shares similar tastes in several things.  Today, he stopped by my desk to say hi and chat for a moment.  A normal conversation about a friends wedding, our kids, music, and art.  I do not believe that he is interested in me in a sexual nature and he knows nothing of my sexual beliefs.  However, there is something about the look in his eyes, the smile when he’s talking, and his intent movements that lead me to believe he is also a hidden free spirit.  Those of us similar in nature are drawn to one another instinctively.  As he is talking and I’m observing I catch myself wondering.  He is not super attractive but he is highly intelligent and effortlessly holds your attention in conversation.  Somehow I knew he could be obtained with little to no work.

My mind was slipping right back into it’s comfort zone.  Predictably moving from one familiar stage to another.  First, was the wondering about the quality of experience.  Second, was the evaluation of the effort needed to obtain it.  Last came the dangerous stage of justification.  My mind was trying to justify reasons that it would be ok (e.g., I needed the release that I couldn’t get from the boyfriend or a free spirit should be with another because they can truly appreciate it).

Nothing was playing in my head about the love I felt for my guy or the things I would be throwing away for nothing substantial in return.  I was on auto pilot and it all happened in a remarkably fast amount of time.  Unless they were a mind reader, no one would have the slightest inkling about what was dancing through my head.

To help you picture how deep this runs through me and how automated my brain is at times…The last part of this was happening as the boyfriend is not more than 30 feet away from me at his desk.  Finally, I heard his voice talking to someone and it triggered the rational part of me to kick in. 

My conversation ended with my friend.  As I turned around at my desk I realized  that I made a small accomplishment.  I know that I still want that rush of freedom and the high of being released from restraint.  However, I also know that I’m not going to act on it in any form.  The stress n frustration still grows but I only have to withstand it until Sunday.  Believing that I fully have the ability to handle that brings it’s own rush.

As I lay in bed alone tonight, I feel a small bit of relief.  I passed my 1st test!

Till the next trip – D